How does one become an antipodean?
There is no such thing as being born an antipodean. One is born wherever he is born and those around him, if anything, are his ... what exactly is an antonym to antipodean ... anti-antipodean? Or, and this sounds better, simply a podian? Such an archetypal podian, when born, is not aware of what he is, anyway. At first he takes quite some time to put his feet onto the ground, and when he does so, he is too busy getting used to his environment, let alone worrying about what an antipodeanism might be like. This he will only discover after he had become one. It's not as simple as an average podian might imagine, simply boarding a plane in London or Prague heading to Sydney, Brisbane or Auckland certainly would not do. At the most, this would make one a cadet of antipodeanism. A visit to one of the places teeming with antipodeans might elevate your status to that of "Guest of Antipodeans" or something similar. To become a true antipodean one has to take on citizenship of one of the countries that support antipodeanism. For a European, there aren't many such countries. Discarding the numerous island states in the Pacific, there really only are two, Australia and New Zealand. Antarctic would also qualify, but who would want to live there?. South Africa or South America wouldn't do. They might offer you only a kind of quasi-antipodeanism at best. The reason for this is perhaps obvious, but for those less perceptive I will spell it out: they are separated from the podian countries only by the equator. That annulates the validity of any antipodeanism they might fraudulently attempt to offer you. True and unsullied antipodeanism could only be had in the countries I had mentioned, Australia or New Zealand. All else is simply questionable.
This is how we see the world from Australia or New Zealand.
Alright. Let's say that you have fulfilled the above conditions and that one day you wake up as a genuine, unfeigned antipodean. What does it mean to you? Above all, a strict loyalty to your newly acquired podians, formally your antipodians, on your part would from now on be expected. This means turning up in green and gold colours, if you are an Australian football fan, or designing a logo in the same colours, if you happen to be an artist. At the same time, you must view your formal podians, as antipodians. You should do so with the correct amount of resentment. It is to be expected that they would see you as a renegade, as someone who had deserted them. But you know best! You know, for instance, that the world looks as it does on the map above, where it is shown the proper way, as it was created. You no longer perceive you present abode as being "down under", as the profane and ignorant might see it; instead YOU KNOW that you are now UP ABOVE, and this gives you a whole new perspective.
A politically correct person these days would perhaps tell you that being an antipodean is a state of mind. Or, even more correctly, he or she would deny that such a state exists at all. Having once lived under such totalitarian regime, has made me immune, even cynical to alluring promises of those who mean only good for you.
There is yet another thing, and in the present politically correct atmosphere it could be important. According to those infected by this malady, we all live in a multicultural world! Well, I beg to differ. In the course of my life I had lived in least three cultural zones, and had dealings with, or encountered, members of at least fifty nations. And, believe me, they were all different. In some cases, the differences were more subtle, but still noticeable. In others, they were wast, abysmal, glaring, impossible not to see. Except by some people, those who generally fall into the category of "do-gooders". They would like to see all the differences, all that makes nations the nations, rubbed out, eliminated. There are such people and they mean well. I have a bad news for the politically correct, multiculturally minded. We are all individuals, free, independent, unique, souls. Regimenting people might work for a time, as part-successes of various totalitarian regimes prove. But sooner or later, this yearning for independence comes through and eventually dwarfs everything the self declared do-gooders might impose on them. If you happen, as I have, to previously live in one of the countries with totalitarian regime, you have most likely become a kind of immune to political correctness. This renders you a huge advantage over just about everybody, be they antipodeans or otherwise. Simply, you have seen it all before, perhaps in a slightly different garment, shade or colour. You can now begin to tell your life story, to your fellow human beings, to those who prefer to remain individuals, free and independent souls, such as they were once created. The life story of this Aussie Czech begins on the next page.
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